I thought it was a helicopter

As a guy, some of the funniest moments in my life have centered around the art of passing gas. Flatulence, when well timed, can be insanely funny. The unexpected noise from below, can take even the most serious conversation and and turn it into a comedy routine in milliseconds.

Once, when I was in Jr. High School, right in the middle of the most serious pep talk that our P.E. Coach had ever given, demanding absolute silence {you could have heard a pin drop}, while we were dressed out and seated cross legged, on the wooden floor of our gym; I felt a gas pain and decided to do the old one cheek sneak. It didn't go as well as expected and sounded something akin to a twelve guage shotgun blast on a quail hunt, and seemed to echo throughout the entire gymnasium. All of the kids started to giggle and then it turned to riotous laughter, before the coach threw his clipboard to the floor in a fit of anger, but even he succumbed to the effect and started to laugh.

My dad could pull one off as well as the next guy. He was walking out the door in front of me and my brother-in-law one afternoon, with his ever present pack of Redman Chewing tobacco, loading up his cheek, when he paused for a brief second and blew one out towards us. A real stinker. Without the slightest hesitation he retorted; “Sounds better, since I had it worked on!”

At our wedding in Vegas, my future father-in-law and his wife, whom I had just met, were steps ahead of me, in the lobby of the hotel where we were staying. We were heading to our cars to leave for the ceremony. Fred and I were pulling suitcases and Bonnie was in the lead. Quite by surprise, Fred tore one off, that nearly made me have a seizure. Bonnie, his loving wife, casually remarked; “Fred...was that you bubbling?” To which he replied; “Yes dear...don't stop, it might catch up with us!”

After spending three, long, exhausting days in the hospital, after my son was involved in an automobile accident. Eating cafeteria food, consisting mostly of broccoli. Drinking coffee and chain smoking Marlboro's. I made my way back to the CCU waiting room and confined myself to the floor for some long over-due rest. I took off my jacket and used it for a pillow, drifting off into a thoroughly exhausted sleep.

Have you ever woke your self up farting, and weren't really sure if it was you, or a bad dream? When I finally regained my senses, I realized that I was tearing them off, one right after another. Apparently, in rapid succession, and in my state of exhaustion, I must have thought that I was back in my own room and that it was okay. Then I heard the following conversation behind me, whispered between to elderly black ladies, that must have stayed all night in the waiting room with me; “at first...I thought it was a helicopter...landing on the roof.”

I crawled up under my jacket and laughed until I cried.